Hello, you.

No
wouldn’t even hope to cope.
No
don’t even want to talk about it.
No
dont want to elucidate my experience
No
cant even think
No
don’t want to share
No
don’t want to relate
No
run away
No
my life is a treadmill
No

it took all my determination to go for cg today. i now fully comprehend what Wittgenstien meant. i now know what exactly what Simmel means when he blabbers about the lonely crowd.

perhaps my life would be better if it was just a hermetically sealed shell, together with mummy and daddy. maybe it was because i learnt to speak too fast, spending only 6 months in baby gibberish. and maybe it is also because i never learnt to crawl, just dragged my bum around until i started walking.

dear God, can you just give me time? time to brood. please. thats all i ask for. oh, i also ask for answers. is that possible? please?

maybe i’m just not cut out for it. maybe it is precisely because of that, that is why i should do it. but. no. i don’t want to. and if you tell me i have no choice, that just makes me angrier. IDGAS. unreasonable. do you even understand what reason is? does it matter? what matters?

the silver lining of turning up for CG, being reintroduced back to the song which my whole family loves. purely by coincidence because during dinner i sat opposite G who was trying to cheoregraph a dance to it..

Perhaps love is like a resting place, a shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort, it is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble when you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window, perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer, it wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself and don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Love to some is like a cloud, to some as strong as steel
For some a way of living,  for some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on and some say letting go
And some say love is everything, and some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside, or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever, and all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

And some say love is holding on and some say letting go
And some say love is everything, and some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the mountains, full of conflict, full of change
Like a fire when it's cold outside, or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever, and all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

till next time,
debs

hello, you!
seriously, what on earth is a zone centroid? the transport test today was SO bad that I can just die. it was like, so, what are the three characteristics of a good transport planner? Cute, Rich and Handsome. sheesh. i will be surprise if i even pass. this sem is not looking good.

had a fun time at the writing centre today. Z, D, R and I were bored typing our essays so Z suggested we each play one song from our laptops in a music relay. thing is R was using the iMacs which didnt have any music in them. So how? so we still start. heard french songs, some from The Observatory, mine was the Cartoon song and the opera rendition of ‘my fav things’. when it came to R, the first time she played a hp ring tone. hehehehe. cheater. then the next time she strummed the guitar. AMAZING STUFF. highly gifted. had to go for cities lec after that, and being lazy, i played K’s recording of Amazing Grace in Japanese from my hp. EARC friends sure help sometimes. man, i want a waffle.

there is no one on earth who can rub me the wrong way as much as my parents. oh well. i shall attempt to close my eyes and disappear. i can’t seem to type any essays. dangerdangerdanger. *alarm bells* diediedie. whywhywhy amamam iii repeating myself?
bummer.

i like the band Muse. good stuff. cannot bluff.
maybe. i should take a break.
but no, the essays are due.
close your eyes. the world isn’t real.

till next time,
debs who shall eat more chocolate since the world isn’t real. calories are a social construct.

Hello, you.

Today was really wierd. In the morning had to trudge to school to watch “The Metropolis”. The Intermezzo was like this whacked out Madonna on crack MTV..as in, the bionic satan was doing those teochew opera-fling the head thing, cum belly dance, cum egyptian funky chicken. to think this show was the pre-cursor to 20th C blockbusters and even stuff like The Matrix. INSANE. There were so many Biblical allegories that I got totally confused. prelapsarian, post lapsarian, messianic. eeks. what was super was how they drew the parallel between city skyscrapers and the Tower of Babel. interestingly enough, one draws pple to itself and they all speak a common monetary lang, while the other caused people to be scattered and language was confounded.

oh well.

then we had our first MEET team Bible Study today. it was a refreshing change from the morning. plus, this was the REAL deal. not some fritz lang’s construction. i have to say, indeed, the invisible Hand works wonders. slowly my (ir)rational fears [ah, the postmodern impulse. WAHAHAHA] are decreasing. shall write less for my next TBS. otherwise, will be continuously arrowed. which reminds me, ARGH. they’re coming to my place for the next session. all the dust bunnies whom i’ve been lovingly cultivating would have to be killed. and i’ve got to find time to kill them. i’ll be the new Elmer Fudd. “where’s that wabbit?”

today was an interesting food experience. in the morning had the usual cereal (YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY) and had BK lunch. then, at M’s place we had viet food. Oh boy. it was good stuff. and the caramel custard thing was fantastico! it even had coffee in it. and when i got home, mummy had cooked up a storm. some satay meat thing, assam fish, aspargus, some wierdy vegetables, tofu fish patties and souuuuuuuuuuup. My favourite. good stuff, cannot bluff. *thumbs up*

in an attempt to not do any work tonight, i finished memorising romans 12. i now know why they picked it. good stuff, cannot bluff. *thumbs up again*

i hate tomorrow’s plans. i shall rebel. the revolution is here.

till next time,
debs..whos still enamoured with those jewel biscuits

Hello, you.
I am so depressed. Not by the circumstances I am in (ok, maybe 70%), but more because of the things I have to read for modernism. Baudelaire seriously makes me feel like I am the worst person on this earth because I live in a city. Simmel makes me feel that punctuality should be eradicated and I am just a worthless urban shell.

so

i shall look at the happier things in life. like how my new ambition in life is to be a waffle maker. Yup! everyday i will stand at the arts canteen and dispense pipping hot and crispy pandan waffles with peanut butter and chocolate. and, melted marshmellows. what a perfect happy life I would lead.

when i have enough money, i will go to berlin. i was watching urbanation and this conversation went:

A: the legs are hot
B: and the sex, is it important?
A: the sex, man! thats the determining factor!

sounds totally raunchy doesn’t it? roachy, more like.
They were describing the cockroach races. WAY TOO COOL.

G and I decided that when we commit suicide over the tonnes of work we have to do, we will use floss. because it is thin and there is alot of it. So, when J sells it, in the manner of Baudelaire’s “The Rope”, he’ll earn alot of money. Thus us reapying him for entertaining us. Plus, floss is cheap. And we’ll die with nice teeth. picture perfect. poetic (hurhurhur) justice too.

I will play my ultra fun boggle game because I CAN. So what if i can’t do sports. cuz I am a grandmaster

Ha.

I think I am going insane. i don’t want to do any more work. I just want to shrivel up under my blanket and eat those jewelled biscuits and wish away the calories and hope that I never ever ever have to step into *edittosavemyskinfromtheunisuingme* again. Maybe I am not going insane. Maybe just disillusioned. Then again, one of the readings said this world is an illusion, ain’t it?
and sometimes I wish, I wish it was true. as unholy *rolls eyes tenthousandtimes* as that sounds. this does not bode well. at all.

death by flossing.

till next time,
debs who will not have any cavaties because well, i floss.

Hello, you!
man..this thing is SUPER ultra unbelivably fun.
and i am getting better and better at it.
wahaha.

and

HAHA. *pushes up specs*
man. i love this sort of time wasting thing. makes so much more sense than typing essay after essay after essay.
after today’s project meeting, i finally realised why i hate projects so much. it is not the people. even though some may get on my nerves, like A. who could not write a proper biblio, the hardest thing is articulating the thought process. with special regard to the structure of the essay. to me it makes perfect sense. but when i say it out, somehow there are always gaps in the logic, frustrating everyone involved. i think i should join the Toastmasters…its like to me, intro–motive–thesis, overarching arg, concept, problem solution, conclusion–move up to a bigger picture, thats how all essay go. but. urgh. words fail me. i really should join toastmasters.
meanwhile, i shall go back to playing my game.
whaahahah.

till next time,
debs who should be banned from eating all chocolate

Hello, you!

So, on the way home I saw a person jay walking. Normally I would do a mental tsk at the person for risking her life and breaking the law at the same time. But when I saw why she jaywalked, I knew it was all worth it. One day, may I have that reason too.

Meanwhile, I shall just live in my superultrawarmandfuzzy pink ah-mah-ish knit jacket and inhabit the fifth and sixth floor of the library. This mid sem pseudo-break is really terrible. I’ve been (and am sadly, going) to school every single day. And friday I will once again be planted in the same spot, trying to finish my mountain of essays. Thinking of countless motives and theses has gotten to such a point that I would rather memorise Romans 12 than think of one more motive/thesis. Not that memorising Romans 12 should be seen as an alternative to a bad thing, but it is the act of memorising which i hate. But I know its important. So, “Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship.” etcetc “If it is leadership, let him govern dilligently, if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.”

So, I shall show my transport teacher some mercy. I wouldn’t envision him being bitten by the countless amount of ants in my home. I shall just picture him getting a dust allergy from all our cutseypoopsey dust bunnies. HAH. Take that for only allocating 20% of a grade to a 5000 word essay.

That said, I am falling sick. Bah, humbug. *sniffle* at least it makes my library jaunt more realistic. *sniffle-shuffle-swing water bottle* *repeat five times as I climb up the stairs to reference* *repeat 12 times as I climb up the stairs to the sixth floor*

I will neverevereverver take two non-examinable USP modules again at the same time. 14 essays are way too much for my poor deadbeat-flu medicated brain to take. I shall wallow in my own self pity, and in the knee high pile of tissue surrounding me.

Till next time,
debs who needs an IV caffeine drip

Hello, you!

AHHHHHH! I got into MEET Thailand! WAHOOEY! Granted, that was not my first choice, but since they are not sending one to Cambodia, Thailand is next best on the list. To think I was inwardly stabbing myself after I handed in the form because I forgot what H told me about people not getting what they wrote there. Fortunately I didn’t do the stupid thing of putting China or something. There is a Mongolia team though…would love to see what it is like in the land of Khan, but aiyah, Khan’t la..cuz, me is onward to the land of the thousand smiles! *beams (a thousand-fold)* What is really surprising is my team mates…all four of us from the SAME thursday CG are in the SAME team. I wonder if they knew..but still, I can see a Hand moving in this..and no, not those of the Adam Smith variety. And jiejie ruizhen went there last time too. *grins*

Today’s meeting was ok. Not half as scary as I imagined it to be. I think my brain goes into overdrive when I am scared..nvm la, burns the cholesterol in the cells anyway. Was glad that they started on time..the talks were a little insomia-curing though. Maybe it is because I went with only 6 hours of sleep. But still, I managed to hear this super funny error in R’s speech..he was talking about how missions is not for super Christians yadayada and he said “it is not some Hairy-Fairy idea”.. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Yes, those winged things do need some Gillette sponsorship once in a while, don’t they? It took alot of energy to stifle the giggles. I think very few people heard it though. teeheehee.

Daddy is super angry with me though. because I can’t go on the family vacation after all. die man. he is terribly displeased..but..aiyoh, its only a holiday. Its not like I am running away from home, shaving my head bald and joining the military or something. Plus, we can go earlier. *sigh* I still haven’t told them about the camp over Christmas yet. I think dropping too many bombshells at one go would turn me into road kill.

And onto frustrating stuff. I don’t understand why people always let out their tantrums on me. Just because I don’t retaliate does not mean you should use me as a punching bag!! If you can’t cope, jolly well manage your time better! It is not my fault AT ALL. I sometimes really want to lash back but I know it doesn’t solve any problem at all. sigh. And I also don’t know whether I am a hypocrite. I seriously want to pummel this person on the head and yet I control myself because I think that would be a bad testimony since this person is a non-christian and yet everytime I think of it, my blood pressure goes berserk. So is this controlling even though you wish to poke the person’s eyeballs with a blunt object considered self-control or hypocriscy? urgh. I am sick of mixing with people like that. And for the rest of my education too. *grumbles* I wish i knew where to draw the line between being a good testimony and being a doormat. maybe, there is no line. oh well.

I am beginning to feel the pains of having two non-examinable modules. I’ve got 9 essays, 3 presentations and 2 mid terms in the space of the next three weeks. Hmm. And some of the essays are at least 3000 words. Hmmm. Maybe, I should just shut my eyes really tight, and wish it all away. Maybe, the Hairy Fairies will come and shave it down to a more manageable load. hurhurhur.

till next time,
debs..those small jewel biscuits are super addictive man. small marie cookies with icing sugar on top. who would have guessed?

Hello, you.

numb. the need to be re-sensitise. to God, to my family, to friends and people around me.

strip. of all pretensions, “intellectualism”, happiness, holiness.

basics. the Gospel was never meant to be in an ivory tower, but a living and practical faith.

sing. “an empty grave is there to prove my saviour lives”. i believe that beyond a shadow of doubt, but…emptiness proving something. now, that is something to grapple with.

resonance. an arrow is only in balance when it is coursing through the air towards that solitary target. children are the arrows in their parent’s quiver. in my case, a child is the arrow in her parent’s quiver. you only get to shoot once.

enervated. do I even want to live a maximal life? can’t I cruise along and live victoriously as a slacker?

fear. pervading the inmost parts.

disconcerting. the past six weeks. like a top spinning on a pinhead, in constant motion, never at rest.

inferiority. don’t ask me “are we there yet?” because, we never will be. it is impossible.

disenchantment. someday, somehow I will make choices between “good” and “best”. for now, I will contend with “bad” and “worst”.

till then,
debs

Hello, you!
Just received an email. And this is how it goes. “Good to see you at the interview. I trusted that the interview had given you a better perspective on what you will be looking forward to for the next 9 months. I, together with the supervisors, look forward in journeying with you as you explore your role in God’s heartbeat for the Lost.” Coolness. I am surprisingly not over-jubilant at it. Hmmm. I don’t think its not because I do not want it badly, but because I guess for once I knew that whatever the result was, God’s plan is still the best route.

Went to ARPC today. Apart from the fact that my nose was on hypersensitive mode and that the guy sitting next to me had such a strong aftershave i nearly puked, the service was good. This is the first time I’ve seen a baptism done by sprinkling, not bad, considering our water shortage. the sermon was very invigorating too, first time I’ve felt that Revelation had a more comprehensible feel.

I think this whole MEET thing thus far has made one thing very clear, that I really should be more focused on doing things that are on God’s heart. This is one of the few occassion where I’ve felt like inferior for such an extended period of time. While I know that God sees the heart, I am also guilty of pushing off doing His things for a long time. Take for example, my hobby, reading. Apart from the Bible, the amount of Christian literature in my whole life I’ve read can be counted on one hand. Compare that to the amount of books I’ve read in the last month, not exactly a very balance view eh.

The physical trips to FES and ARPC this week were literally trips down memory lane. When I pass by Bukit Timah, I feel a sense of place. The memories tied to locales still call strongly. Like how we trespassed on army ground in the dark of the night, getting lost at 3am in Bukit Brown Cemetry, the Venezia store we used to run to in between classes, even the bus stop where we had to plod to because the NJ front gate was locked by the time council meetings ended..But, life still goes on.

For a while, the Bukit Timah/Dunearn Road was the ticket to that overseas college. Now, the Bukit Timah/Dunearn Road will be a ticket to a different life, one where I will not live for myself anymore. *sagely nod*

Till next time,
Debs who is tired beyond belief.

Hello, you!

And so it goes. Three postings on IVLE. *beams*
People finally came for their writing centre appointements today. *beams* read this really interesting essay on how goods make up an intelligilble/unintelligible universe.
More importantly, MEET interview is over! *prances and trots*

The past week was spent fretting over it. Even before going, my stomach was tightly wound together. It only unwound itself so that I could eat that fantastic Ayam panggin (??) thing at Engin canteen. I always wonder which drunk admin worm named the canteens that way? Seriously, Techno Edge? WHAT. Its like some morbid music genre. Plus, Frontier. Seriously, you saying your education in other faculties not pioneer enough huh. trying to discredit us through your insidious naming huh? administrative pawn. Oh, and the deck. its like, eating at the green tables..Fellowship of The Deck: Gluttons of artsdom.

And I digress.

I realise that I can churn out alot of random useless information when I am scared. Its like the whole trip to FES it was so easy to blurt random funny thoughts. hmmm. this is like some psuedo stream of consciousness. but, in a structured way.

And as usual, I digressed.

The wait for the interview was like going for chinese oral. gross man. Plus, at the elevator I saw the ABRSM sign. wah seh. such a bad omen when i thought about all my bad experiences with piano exams. The people were nice. They didn’t like bombard me with doctrinal questions (which was my biggest fear). Thankfully I remembered what I wrote for the testimony, so it was a consistent story. They asked the “what is the basis for your salvation” and I finally gave the truth about what I thought, the whole subjective/objective truth thing. And well, at least it is not heretical. *beams* I’ve decided not to be worried about MEET. If I manage to get in, I know that God will grant me the strength and grace I need. If I don’t get in, I know that He has other plans for me. So, win-win, as always.

Celebrated M.’s birthday today. Realised that my matches have problem. One whole box and they still wouldnt light. Sigh. Sometimes its good to be near smokers i guess. *shrugs*

Tired. I don’t think this qualifies as burnt out because I know my IDGAS mode kicks in so that I survive situations. But, still, this close, this close *does that index finger – thumb thinng coupled with a squinty eye*

Hungry. Both literal and figurative. Look like a beached whale for one, and a famine victim for the other. But, the imbalance will work out.

Till next time,
Debs..who knows..that God is real. The dadaists are wrong.