today at church there was a short announcement, that K+J’s smaller kiddo, Gillian, has a cancerous tumour on her kidney. then i (and i think many others) recall how just half an hour before that she screaming at the top of her small lungs, waving and cheering for her sister (JIEJIE! JIEJIE!) as Samantha danced on stage. so heartbreaking to hear that a two year old has to go for chemotheraphy. i used to think Gillian was one of those siao geenas in church who toddled around in the nursery, danced, pranced and just did happy things like coloring and singing with K.

and i look at Chole sitting beside me playing with the aeroplane and crane i folded for her (multiple uses of the church newsletter!), yabbering on about her millions and millions of dunnowhats, and imitating how aunty CH sings. I think, ah, these kids are so precious to God, so pint sized, so full of wonder at the world. and now small Gillian has to brace her tiny body for the onslaught of cancer theraphy. and its in times like these where you know the worries and gazillion emergency prayers about the thesis are really nothing in the larger scheme of things.

but it is still the same God who hears all our prayers in every circumstance. the God whose strange amalgamated name is Jehovah Jireh, God our provider. And indeed, His grace is sufficient for us. so all we can do now is pray for Gillian, pray for her family, pray for her oncologists. and trust that the God who made the heavens and the earth, and made man just a little lower than angels, trust that He hears our prayers.

For as long as I shall live,
I will testify to Love
I’ll be a witness in the silences
Where words are not enough.
With every breath I take
I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live,
I will testify to Love.
(Avalon, Testify to Love)

today has redefined all previous held notions of “a bad day”.

bad day: where you get an email from your supervisor to go to her office today (incidentally the day you’ve written finished 8000 words and were going to hand it to her) and the email says “i fear you’ve a lot to do to put it up to standard”. you sit in front of her and she tears apart your 1/3 of the 8000 words PHRASE BY PHRASE and asks you “why do you choose to structure it this way”? [well, maybe because when I asked you three weeks ago you said yes?] and then you go home and have to rewrite bloody 8000 words because 1) the writing sucks (ok this one i definitely concede) 2) there is no structure (concede to half, the initial structure chosen doesn’t dovetail well with the data) 3) there is not enough voice from the respondents. (i gladly will put in more quotes!)

i know she means well, and seriously re-reading that draft gave me a headache too. and i could tell she was exasperated. but 8000 words. so near the end and now.

it’s only words…

but i won’t give up. if God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in time of trouble (ps 46:1), then I don’t need to fear. just prayer and perseverance (and lots of inspiriation) to run finish this leg in the best way that i can.

today, my heart melted a little.

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You ask me to see with eyes of faith? ok, i’ll try. 

you know how some songs can totally transport you to a different plane? today i think i found it. i’ve not heard such an exquisite voice in a while.

All’s well at the base of the hill
You might need to fill
a prescription to kill off the silence. 

Look down from your tower on high and take in the night
Look her right in the eye
She’ll listen (Joshua Radin, Star Mile)

you hear it and all you need is a pretty pink parasol with a nice victorian trim and off you go, carried away by the breeze. together with the dandelions. ah this song is so pretty. like, musical lace.

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last night I saw E’s message as “writing is re-vision”. tis true. trying to write that 10000 words left requires me to take a step back, see what has been said, and this act of looking and of selecting what to put in (and haha, choosing stuffy adult names like George and Irene for my friends) is an act of small p power. oh that sounds ticklish! small p power.

writing this thesis requires a lot of tenacity. but you know what, God is so super. He opened so many doorways for me, providing friends with many connections with people from different denominations, allowing for 12 interviews to be done in 4 days. and even though i had to scrap off more than half of my previous empirical work, the empirical is now completed. and through the course of my interviews, i heard so many testimonies of God’s goodness in the past week, that I can only marvel at the way God places a word for every one in every season. now that’s a (re)vision.

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen  Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way
It should
But the heart of life is good

 You know it's nothin new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way
It should
But the heart of life is good (John Mayer, Heart of Life)   ------------

Yeah, bad news never had good timing. But God’s love and family and friends help pick up your heart’s smithereens from the ground. It isn’t going the way it should. 

and please, stop criticising. holding your tongue never hurts anyone.

whilst shuffling my paragraphs of analysis around, i realised a participant told me that worship has to take place in a church setting because the ambience created by music makes them feel a one-ness.

and a big part of me wants to write this in my thesis. Music, makes the people, come together (YEAH!). That it is sung by Madonna just takes it to an ever punnier level.

bring on the air guitars, yo.

Shadow: The rough image cast by an object blocking rays of illumination.

As Switchfoot opines, the shadow proves the sunshine.

Sunshine, won’t you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me sing
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain well
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

To scared little runaways
Hold fast to the break of day light were
The shadow proves the sunshine

Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?
Oh Lord, don’t be far away away
Storm clouds gathering beside me
Please Lord, don’t look the other way

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I think the Bible has quite pretty lines.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. (Ps 90: 14)

God inspires lines like this, just because. (:  how, satisfying.

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my dad is pretty cool. he cuts my bangs for me.  (:

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you see shadows when you back is turned against the light. the shadow only comes into existence because of the sunshine. but i don’t want to see shadows anymore. just sunshine. dry eyes in the pouring rain.